These are things that didn't belong on the other pages.
Chess
My latest passion is chess. I'll definitely add more information later, but for now, I'll mention the openings I'm focusing on:
As white: King's Gambit is my main focus. If the gambit is accepted, then King's Gambit Accepted: Bishop's Gambit.
1. e4 e5, 2. f4 exf4, 3. Bc4
If black plays the Sicilian Defense, I play the Wing Gambit.
1. e4 c5, 2. b4
As black: Czech Defense is my main focus. This is a response to 1. e4.
1. e4 d6, 2. d4 Nf6, 3. Nc3 c6
Equivalently, my response to 1. d4 is Old Indian Defense: Czech Variation.
1. d4 d6, 2. c4 Nf6, 3. Nc3 c6
1. d4 d6, 2. c4 Nf6, 3. Nf3 c6
Poetry
I've been writing some poetry lately when the mood strikes me.
Breathe Deep (2025)
Beautiful as a summer sunrise
Dreaming of the weirder days.
Flying with the sweetest disguise,
Snoring under golden rays.
Joy to we who understand nature,
Precision lost in the forest glow.
Love is chosen;
Despair is earned;
To unreachable rainbows we must go.
Feral thoughts,
Elusive to the touch;
Fluff, mired in reality.
Time is the frailest crutch.
I keep what is true close to my metaphorical heart.
I walk along the strangest path,
I know someday we will be apart,
But the moment lingers, and I breathe deep.
A View from Above (2025)
A universe of gray -
Sheets of rain on my face,
The cycle of the world cleanses all.
A viewpoint fair, yet tethered to an Earthly spacetime.
High above the land is a pillowy magic,
A sunny paradise.
The pillows disperse,
Golden rays reach vast crevices,
But never to the true depths of nature's soul.
The core hides all of its secrets forever.
Precious Youth (2025)
Margarine paint on a flour wall,
A vivid memory of smell,
Pumpkin pie teases all.
The window is welcome to a summer breeze.
We hide from the Sun in the shade of the trees.
To our delight - whipped cream, a shared smile.
The fleeting time is ours,
Precious youth,
Precious while.
Here is some older poetry of mine:
Grand Actors (2012)
Grand actors
The devil runs
The demon slips
The angel whispers
The god falls
The stage is quiet.
Gold rulers
The market hops
The person lives
The animal cowers
The honor subsides
The throne is broken.
Grown feelings
The heart kills
The mind loves
The hand hesitates
The eye closes
The life is everywhere.
What Do You Pluck? (2012)
What do you pluck?
Harp,
Autoharp,
Tiple?
Domra,
Oud?
Yueqin?
Or
Ukulele,
Pipa,
Lute?
Uilleann pipes? No.
Çeng?
Kora?
I'm a reed player myself.
Hollow Logs (2006 or 2007)
Dreams are hollow logs
Logs can make grand houses
And they can burn to the ground
They can be filled up
In the hopes of making them stronger
And termites can just as easily
Break them down
Again they can be nailed together
And the nails may rust
And they will fall apart
But hollow logs
Are still around
Once the full log has decayed
And someone can pick them up
And rebuild them once again
And (2006 or 2007)
He is a brash french horn
Played in a familiar room
He is a tree of knowledge
Growing up the common mountain
He is a wobbly chair
That still holds any weight
He is water from a waterfall
That has yet to reach the ground
He is a lazy leopard leaping
And lying at the last lullaby
He is a summer breeze
That has made it through fall, winter, spring
And is back home
He is the toe
That keeps the body's balance
But may be forgotten
He is the fun of a jester
And the work of a Boxer
He is the loud dog
That probably won't bite
And he is the warmth of day
that prolongs into night
With the youth of a new moon
And
How to Make a Bomb (2006 or 2007)
Making a bomb
Requires nothing but
Simplicity.
Take a drink, firstly,
From the stream of life.
Take care not to drown,
Nor shall you be greedy,
But consume enough knowledge
For genius to endure.
Second shall find you
Playing with nature,
As the man slips
Unconceived poison in your flask,
Thought to do you good
Yet the bane of mankind.
Next the tan man with a hat
Will create a project thought
To liberate the sun,
And your poisoned soul will endure.
The fourth step shows you victory,
But in such a state that
Drunken consequence
Can strike twice,
And the healing of a nation
Will be the healing of the world.
Those whose ears can't listen
Will finally ignore you,
As redemption is what you strive for.
Finding peace will be harder than
you thought,
But in the end you know
You can be saved.
The Rock (2005 or 2006)
That coarse, dirt-speckled rock
Lying gracefully in the noon-day sunlight
Not a worry, content.
Suddenly kicked from its peaceful place
By a soul that doesn't appear to care about it;
A soul with no visible heart for the rock.
The rock becomes battered and bruised,
Beaten, chipped.
All the while the inside stays strong
Enduring the aggression is all the rock can do,
Working unwillingly.
The helpless piece of stone rolls arduously to a stop
Peace seems within reach
The heartless one rears its ugly head
The rock is again abused.
Mightily stripped from its resting place,
The rock seeks refuge in a place
That isn't so abusively chaotic.
An average drain, so beautiful to the rock
Sparkling, luminous water flows through
The rock, tediously moving with the water
Finds a new place
The rock can make choices, so wonderful
Slavery is in the past.
Yet for only one of thousands and thousands.
Me (2002/2003)
I'm the color of a painting showing a moon less night
I'm the sound that a crab makes while walking on the ocean floor
I'm the song of a cricket in a desert
I'm the dream of a bat sleeping in an endless cave
I'm the forest that never existed, but was remembered
I'm the secret that has been forgotten over countless ages
Behind the Story (2002/2003)
The mysterious hawk floods the valley
A grasshopper hides in the silver hamburger
the dragon flies bang! into the king
Who welcomes the beautiful chestnut queen
Her hero laughed because these bees flutter and scatter
All shock the beetles play together behind the tree
Ask the name of the blue gloomy table
wind, BOOM! The valley is black
Express the leather element.
Subconscious Thoughts (2002/2003)
The mental cosmos
Laughs between anger,
and scarlet ribbons.
Hawks hold the golden river
Between their gallant talons,
Whose masters ride through snow and,
Loyal until oblivion, the hawks will
never fall.
It's Getting Warmer (1999, Haiku)
It's getting warmer
The winter breeze is leaving
Spring is full of life.
When the Sunset Disappears (1998)
When the sunset disappears
into darkness, I see lots of stars.
When the night casts its shadow
on half of our world, I go to sleep
and have my rest.
The night creatures come out and play.
When the raccoons, mice, bats,
bugs, wolves and coyotes come out,
there is howling and squeaking and
growling and lots and lots of playing.
I'm in my bed listening to the noise.
The bugs are crawling, flying and
dying and soaring here to there.
The bats are flying all around
never hitting the ground. They're
soaring here and there, but
I don't know where they're going.
When the morning comes
I wake up, and all the raccoons,
mice, bats, bugs, wolves and coyotes
go away. I don't hear howling
or squeaking or growling. I hear
birds tweeting and the breeze blowing.
When the morning comes
all the other animals come
out and play. I will run outside
and jump on my skateboard
and ride it or watch TV and then
go to school.
Mongoose (?)
As the mongoose fights his prey
Every night and every day.
Millipedes are what he wants,
But rattlesnakes have to hunt.
Hunt mongooses
All night and day,
They seem to always get in their way.
Banded black stripes on their back,
Lay on the floor
Beneath a crack.
Running away from a Scooty falcon,
Seeing dust
He finds a hole and hides.
The Scooty falcon glides
Away
And looks for other prey.
Other Writing
This is where I'll add any non-poetry writing.
A Kindred Spirit (2011/2012?)
I found a kindred spirit in physics, where I could sit down to figure out one problem and on the way have the freedom to follow a seemingly unlimited number of side ideas.
One quantum mechanics problem could lead to figuring out trigonometric identities, thinking about complex analysis, pondering orbital and spin angular momentum and entanglement, and even wondering how the same ideas could be applied to thermodynamics or the interiors of stars.
Notes on Life (2/10/2012)
Hi. Funny story. Today I was talking with my Dad on the phone and he was joking about how I would go home and find a rejection letter from a grad school I applied to.
It was much more joke-y in context. Anyways, almost immediately afterward, I checked my email and lo and behold, a rejection email from the #1 school I wanted to go to, UC Santa Cruz.
I will admit, it was extremely depressing news. Even though with my horrible Physics GRE score (44%-tile, though I have been telling people 60%-ile just to mask my utter failure)
(I have so much confidence that I would have done way better had I studied a lot more. What kind of bull-shit grad-school-deciding test is that?
Yeah, maybe my lack of studying enough shows a weak work ethic or something, and maybe the studying is necessary because all grad students should have the basic knowledge.
But I'm ace-ing my upper-div statistical mechanics/thermodynamics midterm/class & doing decently (B? B+?) in 2nd quarter quantum mechanics, and I'm "failing" a test that is 1,000 times more important but is on material which seems to me to be from the 4-series
(a.k.a. lower division physics). What bullshit. I am interested in so many things, but I guess as far as studying -> thinking -> doing goes, my two "passions" are music (guitar) and physics.
But the physics field is looking like more & more bullshit to me (pardon my repetition of that phrase. It's expressive.)
I'm getting a little annoyed (pissed?) now, but all I want to do is learn physics. And yet, I don't.
In my free time, given a choice, I will gladly watch a movie, listen to music, play a video game, play an instrument, go on the internet, before doing anything related to physics.
AM I FIT FOR THIS FIELD??? Why can't I just study physics all the time? Because I literally can't. I love physics, but I don't put much extra work into it. Why?
I love video games, I love TV shows, I love movies, I love music, I love guitar, I love the internet, I love reading, I love hanging out with friends.
Do I have to lessen some of these to succeed in physics? It seems like, yes. But can I? Do I want to? Call me spoiled, call me lazy.
Chris Hardwick gave up drinking, smoking, video games to focus on comedy & become very successful. But can I do that? Do I want to do that? WHAT FOR? Jesus Christ, what for? (there is no god, by the way).
Yeah, yeah, you have to put in a lot of effort to get something out. But what? I get to be a part of this scholarly physics machine? Extremely flawed machine?
Pandering for grant research money? Working for some garbage organization? I just want to learn physics.
I would love to learn physics no one else has learned yet (i.e. "cutting-edge" research) but to be put under extreme pressure to do so?
I'm going to sound spoiled or whatever, but WHY DO YOU HAVE TO PUT SO MUCH WORK IN DOING STUFF YOU DON'T WANT TO DO? I only have one life.
I have put in a large amount of hard work doing stuff I do want to do. Why can't that be good enough? I feel so bad getting money from my parents & grandparents & anyone else.
I don't want to "waste" it so I feel like I owe them success. I owe them a job, successful, job, in physics.
I am going to give up some of my enjoyment. I swear from this point onwards. NO VIDEO GAMES on my own time. NONE.
I want to succeed in physics. I really do. But do I have it in me?
I also love guitar. So much.
Why can't I just enjoy doing more work? I swear some people do...)
Well, with my horrible GRE score I expected to get rejected. But it still hit me pretty hard. What if everywhere rejects me? I can totally see that happening.
Then, I do something for a year and ACE that god damned Physics GRE. And try again. But having to explain that failure to family & relatives will be horrible. Ugh.
By the way, I've decided to take 6 classes next quarter, including 4 physics classes. I tell myself it's because I love learning physics.
But am I just crazy? Am I doing it to justify my love of physics? I don't know. I just know I have a real desire to take all those classes.
I decided not to take one extremely hard physics class "for fun" this quarter which I could have taken, and after 5 weeks it still haunts me.
Also, I'm doing "independent research" under a (extremely nice) professor, but I only go to see him every 2-3 weeks even though it should be every week at least.
It's because I have a lot of other work & I'm shy to talk with him after so long because I feel like a disappointment, but to not see him just makes the problem worse.
Basically, I'm utterly failing at this research stuff.
I guess those are my enormous freaking problems in physics.
Anyways, I went to a concert today for my music class. It was a Verdi, a John Adams, and a world premier of another piece. It may have been my favorite piece I have ever seen in concert.
It was freaking amazing, and I left in a sort of daze.
I also had 3 beers tonight. Fuller's ESB, Fuller's London Pride, & a doppelbock German import. My Dad is an alcoholic & alcohol could go to Hell as far as I am concerned.
I will admit, I do like beer in an artsy way. Like a fine cheese or a fine cigar, there is fine beer. Getting drunk is not the point at all, Fuck That.
Let's get stupid, clumsy, retarded, more outgoing, and often put others in more danger. Ugh, humanity.
I also admit I was going for the decent "buzz" tonight because of my unsettling feelings, but writing all this stuff has given me so much more relief than any alcohol could ever give.
I'm writing this before going to sleep, & I also just finished reading a bit about Albert Einstein & mostly Bertrand Russel.
Reading about the life of someone in maths/sciences who I may one day aspire to be is both inspiring & depressing, since I know I will never get even close.
But truly, as long as I can play my guitar I'll be happy. Fuck physics. Fuck the game you have to play for everything in life.
Fuck politics.
FUCK COMPETITION.
Fuck war.
<3 learning
<3 knowledge
I could get into so much more... All I want is to do what I want in life. Yes, that is greedy. But it's my life, and it's all I'll ever know.
I never want to hurt anyone. I don't want to let people down. I will NEVER consider, or go through with, killing myself. Nature is just fine at doing that.
Well, to end, my resolutions:
* No video games
* Guitar every day
* Read every day
* Get to 170 lbs.
* Don't fail at life.
Peace
3:37 AM (2/11/12)
There is no god.
Life is what you, and others, make it.
Oh, and FUCK PATRIOTISM
WE ARE ALL HUMANS
STOP WITH YOUR FUCKING SUPERFICIAL BORDERS & COUNTRIES
(Pardon my swearing. I don't do it out loud, but here I use it for emotional emphasis.)
Page written by Alex Spacek.
Last update: May 19, 2026
